GRANNY (1999)

TAGLINE: “She’ll love you…to pieces”

IMDB Rating: 3.4/10 (Suspicious voting patterns)


  WANTED: Talentless cast required for clueless and incompetent horror director with no budget or finished script. Must have no experience. Must have looks the wrong side of average. Must have inability to improvise and be prepared to sit awkwardly and dribble meaningless verbal sh*t for 17 minutes at start of film when absolutely nothing will happen. Must be able to test the patience of any audience. Must appear as though own make-up was applied with a shoe. Must be devoid of any ideas or presence and must deliver all bad lines poorly. Must not question point of project and ignore risible plot and ludicrous dialogue. Must bring own clothes but stripiest trouser ever woven preferred. Must have no shame. Must not point out that ‘twist’ ending makes no sense. Must hope that friends and family never see finished product. Must be prepared to be shunned in the street. Must have strong ambition to make worst movie ever. Must fear for the future of Western Civilisation. Must never speak of this film again.

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