Legend Of The Mummy 2


TAGLINE: “When Terror is alive…evil never dies”

IMDB Rating: 1.9/10

Sweet, sour and savoury Jesus Christ. Only after viewing this…this…shocker, do we begin to grasp the magnitude of the challenge ahead. ‘Creature’ may have been absolute drivel but this is, without doubt, the worst thing we, and perhaps anyone, have ever seen.

Legend Of The Mummy 2’ has an 81 minute running time, of which 10% are credits. But not ‘Pink Panther’ esque credits which might charm, or intrigue, or augment. Just a black background….and then blue text which sl…ow…ly mixes on and then sl…ow…ly mixes off again. It’s a bad start…but then the dialogue begins. And you wish the credits could have gone on for much, much longer.

Four lab-coated people are standing around a Mummy which is lying on an oak table, in what appears to be someone’s dining room. And thus begins a stunning 4 minutes of preposterous exposition which may or may not include Aztec temples, Rain Gods, burial rites, travelling exhibits and why there is something unusual about this particular Mummy.

The woman giving her ‘students’ this information is apparently a ‘Professor’…of…something…or other… and the actress playing her has only ever had three roles. Amazingly, this wasn’t her last. We are on the cusp of something very special. And we know this when Don, the square jawed, slack brained jock who is supposed to be a graduate student exclaims, ‘This is Hardcore…whoa…I know as much about this stuff as I do about Brain Surgery…my thing is dinosaur bones’. Spoken like a true PhD.

Oh, and one of the students is a lecherous geek who has the predatory eyes of Louis Walsh and the atrophied demeanour of housewives’ favourite Pete Doherty- perhaps we should watch out for ‘Norman’. Another actor not to look out for in the future, ‘Norman’s’ sole other credit is in a film called ‘Uniforms’. As ‘Person #5’.

There are an assortment of other post-grad students scattered around too, all who talk and act as though they never finished Junior High- and all of whom are about as memorable as an Alzheimer’s convention. And where and what is the building they are all staying / studying in? It looks like a hacienda. The producer’s perhaps? But is it supposed to be a university block? Museum? Lord only knows. Anyway, we’re 16 minutes in, it’s midnight, there’s-a-storm-a-comin’ and creepy geek Norman is waving his black, nail varnished hands over the supine Mummy. But wait…it’s..it’s..ALIVE! (Finally). It sits up, acknowledging its scrawny Master, and at last we can get on with some honest to goodness slashing.

Now to be fair, the Mummy’s make up is pretty good. There’s teeth and skin and eyes…the only drawback is that now the Mummy has awoken and begun its rampage, you can see that he’s…well…a bit tubby. Bandages may not be very slimming, but this Mummy’s arse is carrying more padding than just Egyptian cotton and it’s undoubtedly diluting the terror somewhat. But no more than the directing.

With the storm ‘raging’ outside (and by that we mean someone is manically flicking a light on and off outside the patio doors), Professor Cyphers (no, really) gets up from her desk, torch in hand to investigate a strange noise. And then…well, nothing. Absolutely nothing. At all. She wanders around a brightly lit house, on her own, with an unnecessary torch, in silence… for almost 6 minutes. And bearing in mind that the film is only 81minutes long, that’s a LONG time. And Christ, does it feel it. And after 6 minutes of walking around calling out ‘Hello? Is there anyone there’? there’s  a moment of breathtaking tension…as she goes back to her desk. Oh. But hang on, creepy Norman enters her study and reveals he’s a High Priest of something or other….just like his father! And when the Mummy eventually lumbers in, the Professor is so shocked by the terrible delivery of Norman’s awful lines, she is rendered immobile as her corpulent assassin slowly kills her to death. Leaving him a bit out of breath.

The portly Mummy, now he’s put all his effort into standing and staying upright, might as well pick off the other students, which he does in a manner  as tense and as thrilling as a bus ride to Kidderminster . Who is this film aimed at? What is the point of it? Is it genuinely supposed to be scary? Because the most terrifying thing about the whole debacle is that the director is responsible for 92 other films.

Is it supposed to be funny? Norman has donned his high-priest garb and now looks like a member of Earth, Wind & Fire on their way to a Roman-theme night at a gay club. So perhaps it is. But we suspect otherwise.

The ‘plot’ and ‘acting’ have descended into a sub am-dram farce with some girl about to be sacrificed by Norman for reasons that defy understanding. Or logic. Or interest. We won’t ruin the ending. Actually, we can’t even remember the ending. All we know is that it did end. And we wept with joy knowing that it had ended. And that we would never have to wait for it to end again. We wept like two injured, frostbitten mountaineers who see the rescue helicopter coming in to land. We wept knowing that together, we had survived an ordeal that would have finished lesser men. What a piece of utter sh*t.

You can watch the trailer below. But don’t. You’ll thank us.


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