DOOMED

doomed

DOOMED (2007)

TAGLINE: “5 Teams…3 Days…1 Objective…To Stay Alive.”

IMDB Rating: 3.0/10

 

With a title like this, the producers are asking for trouble. It’s a 30 yard own goal. You might as well call it ‘Tedium’, ‘Hopeless’, or ‘Fresh Fetid Turd’. Plot-wise, ‘Doomed’ bears a striking resemblance to the 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger naff-a-thon, ‘The Running Man’ (directed by David Starsky himself, Paul Michael Glaser), in which a group of convicts have to survive a deadly game show on live TV. ‘Doomed’ differs from its predecessor in that the convicts are…on a game show…er…on live TV…er…but instead of a deadly series of challenges…there’s um….one challenge- avoid the zombies on the island on which they have been marooned.

‘Doomed’ falls a long way short of ‘The Running Man’. It’s not even ‘The Stumbling Man’. It’s more like ‘The Club-Footed Man Struggles Up Snowdon in Flip Flops’.

The acting is undoubtedly the worst we have encountered since ‘Granny’. And therefore, in this context, ‘acting’ means standing in front of a camera and trying to read flash cards without drooling, soiling oneself or falling over. The (unattributed of course) quote on the cover claims ‘In the tradition of 28 Days Later and Dawn Of The Dead’. Actually, it’s more in the tradition of drinking a stranger’s piss.

The best thing about the film is that it is short. Not short enough obviously, but 76 minutes is bearable. We have taken to checking the exact duration at the very start of each viewing, having been caught out on a couple of occasions by the damn lies printed on the back cover. Our guard is now up. Trust No-one.

We won’t ruin the ending for you- except to say that every single one of the competitors die, and all are so utterly forgettable, so breathtakingly unmemorable, it’s truly impossible to give a sh*t when they do.

The film is summed up by the career of the actor who plays the poorly rendered holographic game show host. He has credits that include such films as ‘Mission Impossible III’, ‘Collateral’ and the recent ‘Star Trek’ reboot. Which may sound impressive until you discover he was Key Craft Service on those films. Essentially, he made the sandwiches on set. Which is a fitting metaphor for such a limp, tasteless effort that has spilled its messy contents onto the floor, as all involved bit off more than they could chew.

 

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