HAUNTED BOAT

haunted boat

 HAUNTED BOAT (2005)

IMDB Rating: 1.8 / 10

TAGLINE: ‘What’s your greatest fear?’

Wow.

Just…wow.

So far, ‘Granny‘ and particularly, ‘The Room‘, have been our bad film benchmarks. However, ‘Haunted Boat‘ sails dangerously close to the rocks of audience endurance.

The film, if it can be classed as such, possesses one of the worst titles in cinematic history- ‘Haunted Boat’. Just take a moment to consider it. Alarm bells are ringing loudly if the best suggestion the creative minds behind the film could offer was the title, ‘Haunted Boat’.

You would expect that a film called ‘Haunted Boat’ be about a boat that was haunted. Under normal circumstances, yes- but you are in the realm of the Bad Film. You are a long way from home. The only thing that is haunted is the expression in the viewer’s eyes as the end credits finally roll….

It does feature a boat at least. And six of the most irritating rich kids you could ever hope never to meet. They take a boat out for the night and then… well no-one is quite sure… but the owner of the boat apparently gets eaten by a shark. It is an empirical fact that the ‘effect’ used during this ‘attack’ is the very worst in the history of entertainment. No debate. No argument. It’s astonishing. We implore everyone to play the excerpt below over and over, frame by frame. If you dare. Be careful not to dislocate your jaw as it drops open. It is unclear how they ‘created’ this ‘effect’, but could it be that they held the camera up to a fish tank? Could it? COULD IT…?

And after that, things actually manage to go downhill. Like an M. C. Escher painting. Down and down with no end apparent. It would appear that fundamentally, each character is supposed to be doomed, and experience their very worst fears. Amazingly, a fear of being universally and perpetually mocked is not among them.

MC Escher. DJ Shadow not pictured.

The film reaches its nadir when a strange figure arrives on a rowing boat. Not because it’s a nonsensical plot device, but because he is without doubt, the worst actor on God’s Green Earth. Not in terms of film presence, that much is obvious. We are talking the worst actor in the history of acting. He would be mocked at a provincial am-dram society audition. School nativity plays would cast him as 3rd donkey and make sure he was at the back, well out of sight. He is so bad, he makes the other cretins in this film look like Daniel Day Lewis.

The plot is harder to follow than a Peruvian soap opera. Characters wake up, hallucinate, then go to sleep and wake up in a different reality. But whose reality? They are all dead. Then they are alive. They are on the boat. Then they are not. And then someone else ‘wakes up’ and it was all a dream. But what was the dream? And from which point in the film did the dream begin? Stop this ride, we want to get off. It’s like ‘Inception’ done by potato painters.

Then one of the girls wakes in her own bed at home. We are on the final straight. She travels to the marina and her friends are waiting for her on the boat…

So it was all a dream.

Then the boat disappears.

So it wasn’t.

Was it?

It was a shambolic, brutal watch.

Wasn’t it?

Yes it was.

Bad Film fans will never have greeted a film’s end credits with so much relief- but will then be intrigued by the names that begin to appear. The film is produced by Levens Entertainment. The boat is owned by Richard Levens. Executive Producers are Jason & David Levens. A theme is emerging. But no careers. Directors can often point to outside interference as the reason their vision wasn’t realized. Not in this case as director Olga Levens has given herself 14 other credits on ‘Haunted Boat’[1].

The tagline ‘What’s Your Greatest Fear?’ elicits an obvious but necessary response. Our greatest fear is having to watch ‘Haunted Boat’ ever, ever again. It achieves the seemingly impossible- it’s actually worse than ‘Granny’. And please bear in mind that ‘A Granny’ has entered our everyday usage eg. ‘There has been a terrible Granny- a lorry ploughed into a crowded school bus’, or ‘America and North Korea are a step closer to Nuclear Granny’.

Viewing ‘Haunted Boat’ is so traumatic, we recommend you leave the house immediately and suck in lungfuls of fresh air wherever you can. Most amateur Bad Film fans will find themselves with 1000 yard stares, trying to simultaneously comprehend yet forget what they have witnessed.

Try to make sense of it. You won’t. You will be scarred by, quite simply, the worst film you could ever envisage sitting through. It is a disgrace. An abomination. One of the worst films ever constructed. It is…genius.

The Haunted Boat Trailer. Haunted. Boat.


[1] Producer, Director, Director Of Photography, Production Designer, Music Supervisor, Story, Co-Writer, Location Manager, Camera Operator, Art Director, Visual Effects Editor (Ha!), Production Manager, Casting Director, Art Director & Web Designer, plus Writer of the theme music and 3 other songs….

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