BATMAN & ROBIN

Batman & Robin

BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)

TAGLINE: There isn’t one. Which says a lot…

IMDB rating: 3.6 / 10

For many Bad Film aficionados, ‘Batman & Robin‘ counts as the worst film they have ever seen at the cinema. And it doesn’t even star Adam Sandler. It remains a paradigm of bloated, expensive and lazy movie making.

It is unadulterated Bad Film heaven.

Although the protagonists deny it, the filmmakers appear to have set out to ruin their own careers, those of senior Warner Bros. executives, and bankrupt the studio. If this indeed was their intention, they are to be commended for producing such a vapid, incoherent and chaotic mess despite the $125m budget they had at their disposal.

It is easier to identify what is acceptable about the movie rather than its myriad failures:

 

Nothing.

 

Not a single facet of the film redeems it in any way. Every single actor delivers the worst performance of their career-  Arnold Schwarzenegger– who used his previous movie ‘Jingle All The Way‘ as a platform to really explore his (and our) limits- unleashes a performance as unpleasant as licking a stadium urinal cake after the half time break at the cup final.

Batman & Robin

Disco night in the batcave

Eschewing the notion that the batsuit should inspire fear in the criminal fraternity, in Batman & Robin, it sports erect bat-nipples, sculpted bat-buttocks and an enlarged bat-codpiece. The only thing it succeeds in inspiring is arousal in Gotham’s BDSM and fetish community.

The batmobile resembles Satan’s pimp ride, the kind of vehicle your cousin might hire for her hen night in Doncaster. Batman uses a bat-credit card. (Though no-one in the movie deserves any credit whatsoever.) The production designer modelled the set on the sweet shop of a diabetic’s wet dream. Merchandising opportunities superseded plot. However, the overwhelming flaws of Batman & Robin are even more fundamental…

…the screenwriter of ‘Batman & Robin’, Akiva Goldsman, possesses an Oscar.

 Just bear that in mind when we examine some of the brilliantly moronic dialogue from Batman & Robin, most of it spouting from the gob of arch-enemy Mr. Freeze, the lamest villain in the Bat-canon. The film couldn’t have featured a worst bat-nemesis had the MP George Galloway reprised his role as catwoman.

Just a reminder- Mr. Freeze likes to freeze people:

Puns are nature’s way of reminding you that you do not have a sense of humour. They ensure you remain alone in the kitchen at parties. The above lines would even be rejected by Richard Stilgoe as unacceptable.

Hearing dialogue of this quality renders the audience physically uncomfortable, as though seeking respite from swollen haemorrhoids. The script is a staggering achievement that skilfully combines stupidity, humourlessness, tedium, pointlessness, tastelessness and illogicality. If AMPAS had any integrity, they would grab some pitchforks, form an angry mob and march to Goldsman’s house and demand he return his Award.

Batman & Robin

JOEL SCHUMACHER: Batman's most dangerous enemy

Batman & Robin demands consideration as the worst film ever released by a major studio. It treats all adults as children, and all children as morons. Sitting through it is as excruciating as going out for dinner with your fiancé- and all of her many ex-lovers. And it’s a long table. And you are stuck between the Nobel Prize Winner and the underwear model.

‘Batman & Robin’ killed the franchise for almost a decade and it took the near-masterpiece of ‘Batman Begins’ to expunge it from the memory of bat-fans. Director Joel Schumacher’s career has yet to fully recover. The same can be said for Chris O’Donnell (Robin) and Alicia Silverstone (Batgirl). Even George Clooney’s nascent movie career stumbled briefly before rallying. In fact, you could argue that the only positive that emerged from the whole debacle was Clooney’s determination to never be this bad again, to only make movies he wanted to see.

Batman & Robin‘ will stand forever as a testament to Bad Filmmaking. Every facet of the movie a slap in the face before a knee to the balls. Even The Smashing Pumpkins theme song was one of the worst they ever released, ‘The End Is The Beginning Is The End’, also one of the worst ever song titles. Not a single bad detail of the film overlooked. No aspect left acceptable.

Priceless. Flawless. Peerless. Genius.

One Comment

  1. Trolol says:

    True True, ’tis a slap to the face and a knee to the balls.

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