SHERLOCK BONES

sherlock bones

SHERLOCK BONES (1994)

Tagline: “The world’s first talking police dog on a mission im-paws-ible!”

IMDb Rating 1.9 / 10

Until now, there have been no viewing rules for Bride Of Crapula. We’ve let the films do their worst- misogyny, violence, bad taste, tedium, confusion, all these imposters have been greeted just the same. With a yawn and a smile. We are not bad film amateurs. We are teak-tough B-movie aficionados, honed by hundreds of brutal hours in the straight-to-DVD gym. We absorb the cinematic blows of ‘The Asylum’, sharks, gators, rubber aliens, impossible haircuts and Jeff Speakman with a deft ease that belies our girth.

For two professionals at their peak though, the biggest threat comes not from the contents of a creaking DVD player, it comes from within.

Because we got complacent.

 We had visited ‘The Room’. We had not drowned under the weight of ‘Haunted Boat’. Surely we were invincible, immune to any punishment the underbelly of cinema could spray us with. We were wrong. We were so very wrong.

There have been plenty of canine detectives in film & TV, but ‘Sherlock Bones’ is so bad, it makes a lamer episode of Scooby Doo feel like ‘Chinatown’.

‘Sherlock Bones’ is a pun so bad, it is wanted by the International Criminal Court in The Hague.

It is the best thing about the movie.

 Until watching this film, we had never wanted to hurt an animal, but 10 minutes in and access to a sack, an anvil and a deep lake would have made us the happiest men alive. ‘Sherlock Bones’ is one of those few films that is awful in every conceivable way.

The plot? A talking police dog enlists the help of a fat child to rescue his police handler from drug smugglers. In California. The dog has a ‘Scottish’ accent. But if the voice actor is Scottish, then I. Am. Mickey. Mouse. It’s so bad, he makes Christopher Lambert’s ‘Highlander’ sound like Peter Mullan.

It’s difficult to see how this film could have been worse. Acting, directing, script and music all gleefully cock their leg over the audience. It was made in 1994 but feels like it was made in 1981- by the children of the Children’s Film Foundation. Watching the film was so traumatic, we are actually quite glad the dog is dead.

It’s a film that seems to hate kids. And animals. And viewers. And the Scots. It takes childhood joy and manically humps it into submission. They say children watch too much TV nowadays, so parents- force your progeny to endure ‘Sherlock Bones’ and see how quickly they run outside in an desperate attempt to escape. It’s one of the worst children’s films ever made.

No animals were harmed in the writing of this review. But two psyches were.

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